Its been over a Year since i've looked at this site, and so many things have changed. And some have not.

I've seen some really bad times, pulled myself up by my bootstraps and walked out of them mostly intact with a few lessons learned. I think I'm finally mentally stable again, if not healthy, and I think that my heart is mostly there too. I've found some self motivation in my personal lost and found box and pulled it out. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, in fact, its pretty far from it. I'm confused, I feel sometimes like I'm never going to finish anything I've started in the last few years, I feel sometimes like my heart is breaking when there should be no reason for it. I feel like something is missing and I'm not sure what it is. My job is amazing. I've been there for 3 1/2 years now and I love it. I have a wonderful class of children and I love them dearly. They make my days worthwhile a lot of times. Their smiles have a way of warming a persons heart. I'm doing ok in school. Though not exactly as good as I like, I'm doing ok. The only thing is that I feel this deep aching pain in my chest. My heart is crying for something or someone, and I don't know exactly what it is I'm missing. But it aches, it hurts, and whats worse is it feels so empty and alone.

So, I'm pretty excited, I may possibly be going on a date soon. Not sure if it will work out before or after Krystna's wedding, but I'll still see him in the next few days since he's in the wedding. It was really kind of a shock to me but its kind of nice to have this excited feeling again about starting over. I don't feel like I'm being held back by anyone or anything. I let it all go. All of the hurt that I've been holding on to for months, I let it go, I gave it up and I feel so good about things now that it amazes me that I didn't do this back in april.

Its not that I'm looking for a relationship, in fact its quite the opposite, I'm not really looking to be in one at all. This is really the first time in my life I've been single with no serious prospects of a future boyfriend and I'm enjoying it. I don't mind being alone, if anything it has helped me tremendously at figuring out who I am when its just me and getting my priorities straightened out and learning how to be strong without a man in my life. But I'm still excited about being asked out on a date! I've been smiling like a fool! Its nice to feel somewhat wanted again.

Oh lord, I have poison Ivy AGAIN!!!!! I itch. but there is this miracle agent that stops the itching the second you put it on. Lemon Juice! imagine that, but it really works, so I'm walking around smelling like lemons today lol =) I guess its better than vinegar though, which was the alternative to the lemon.

I had a rough morning. Got interviewed at work by a man from OHAN which is an organization above DSS which investigates abuse and neglect. Most of the teachers had to be interviewed today because some lying wench of a mother decided that she would start trouble and report false allegations to dss and get OHAN involved and have us investigated. I'm furious with this woman. She has done nothing but lie through her teeth and cause a bunch of stress at work. I really don't understand people. I know I'm not the greatest person in the world, in fact I'm probably far from it, but at the very least I don't tell lies to cause problems for other people. I don't get why anyone would do that. All I have to say is Karma's a Bitch. I really don't see what she could gain from this though. truthfully, there isn't anything that she can get out of her lies, but whatever, I guess it will all be okay and hopefully my director's conversation with the solicitor will have gone well and she can press some kind of charges on this woman.

In other news, I'm doing good in school this semester! yay! I'm actually doing my homework, how exciting! I have found a major that I feel like I fit into. It is a huge relief to feel like I'm actually working toward a future for myself.

So, is been a trying last week, but there has been something I've become enlightened of. Its this, if you stay true to God and yourself and do what you know is right for yourself by Gods teachings, you will find yourself in a much happier place.

Another thing I have come to accept after months of trying to figure it out, is this, Dating, Relationships and Love is not a game, you don't play with it, its simple, its Boy meets Girl and it goes from there and anyone that treats it like a game is very mistaken at how it works. Peoples feelings are not just something to toy with, they are important and should be handled with utmost care. I have learned that if someone is going to not give a damn about what I feel and how their actions affect me, then I don't need to be around it. I won't put up with someone not appreciating or respecting me the way I deserve, not anymore.

I've decided to give everyone a clean slate with me, and everyone has a chance to show me who they are to me again, and if things have changed then thats great, if not, then I can take that and learn from it. I will be more cautious with my trust. People will have to earn it, I will not give it as freely as I used to. I will love everyone, and will be there for the ones in my life who need me, and God and his teachings will come first and foremost from now on. In the past week, in my search for him and living the way he would want me to, I have found myself to be a much happier and stronger person, because I haven't veared from what I think is right, I have found the good in myself again, and I don't want to lose it. I'm finally where I wanted to be, I'm finding that girl I lost 3 years ago, I'm finding her buried under all of the hurt, and pain and abuse that I have suffered not just from others, but from myself, and it is so relieving to know that I can still be someone who was good, and loving and God fearing.  I don't ever want to lose myself like that again.

God Bless

Tiff K.

So, possibly leaving him alone is the best thing I could do for myself. I needed to move on with my life and be happy again, and I couldn't do that with him anymore. I hate it, b/c I loved him. I can only hope that he does well for himself. I've met someone who treats me like every woman always wants to be treated, and I'm so lucky. I'm trying to put things right in my life. I pray to God everyday that what I've found is real and that there is no catch to it, and that I don't do something to screw it up. He's an incredible guy. Its almost scary how happy I find myself lately. I guess that saying about good things ending so better things can begin is somewhat true. I'll be fine. I'm happy, and I guess thats what matters? right?

Peace love and all that!

Tiff K.